take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Randomize
