I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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