why didn't you poke me back
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
