a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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