Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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