im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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