whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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