My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
