you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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