Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
