I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I believe in your delicious
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
