Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
