her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
