Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
