I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
