First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
