Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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