I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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