Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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