Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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