I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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