Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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