I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
They took my balls.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
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