I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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