Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
