Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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