I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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