I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
