the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
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