dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
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