Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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