I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
