And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Randomize
