Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
