You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
