Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
