Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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