Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
