i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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