grandma shit on top of the toilet
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
