Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
We left the knife in your bed.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
