Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize