You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
