She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
