we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
