Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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