Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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