when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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