if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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