Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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