is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
