Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.