Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
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At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
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damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning