I'll bet she douches with gravy.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
