update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
